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Marietta Mehanni

My inner Satan

Written by Marietta

June 8, 2020

‘Ah ha, I think I’ve got it right now!’ I say as I step off my chair, having positioned the phone way up on the top shelf in my kitchen.

‘No… it’s on an angle’ and I get back up on the chair, then on to the kitchen bench to realign the phone.

This has been my daily practice since Monday 23rd March when the gyms went into lock down. Twice a day and occasionally three times a day, I would prepare and teach a class from my kitchen. Recently, I went to Zoom for the 9am Gymstick class in ‘studio 2’ (a.k.a. my lounge room), and the process is similar, in making sure that everything is working and all camera angles are just right.

Like most people around the globe, everything completely changed for me when Covid-19 lockdown came in. My usual daily routine evolved to a new rhythm. It has now been long enough for me to have had a good long look at my life BC (before Covid) and how I want to live my life moving forward. Things like being single, childless and no family responsibilities have somewhat made my isolation easier.

But… I did find my inner Satan.

The inner Satan term came about when I had some frustrating weeks recently. I had been sticking to a very rigid routine and I was getting frustrated with myself when I started feeling fatigued and flat. Feeling flat is ok for some people, but I can’t stand it when it’s me. No amount of ‘you are normal’ or ‘you will be ok’ by well meaning people made it any better. In fact, it caused me even more inner turmoil. I was really annoyed with myself. I was annoyed that I struggled to get out of bed and kept re-setting the alarm. I was peeved that I had the attention span of a fly. I was angry that I was messy – I know, it’s odd. And it all culminated in a message on WhatsApp to my friend Amy in the US (we do this daily) with a yell, ‘I think that I have found my inner Satan’. Grrrr.

Somehow, it was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to name it. I needed to accept that I was mad at nothing but myself. In fact, it made me laugh later, when Amy used the term back to me, having found her ‘inner Satan’. It’s actually hilarious now as we use the term back and forth when we find ourselves not being our best selves. I have two terms now – Vegemite (you will have to read an earlier blog post about this) and inner Satan. For some peculiar reason, giving what I was feeling a name, made me feel better. That weird ‘I can’t describe how I am feeling’ now has a name, whether it be angry, frustrated, annoyed, or just ‘blah’.

My inner Satan also helped me focus on what is really important. I have now a new routine having thrown everything up in the air and deciding on what I really like doing. I really love teaching and have continued doing that. I love video editing and now keep one computer constantly on the go with video rendering and uploading. I love creating classes, presentations and workouts and so now I allow myself 2 to 3 hours a day just doing that. I really enjoy meditation, so I now do it 2 or 3 times a day. In fact, I have just decided to get myself a travel card so that I can avoid driving in heavy traffic and get places faster with public transport and catch up on messages and emails. I am done with driving everywhere and paying for parking, road tolls and petrol. Done!

So now when I go to set up my cameras, phones, computers and equipment for my daily classes that I can teach from home, I thank my inner Satan for helping me discover what I really want to do. What makes me really happy, rather than what I think that I ‘should’ be doing. Thank you inner Satan for the clarity that I needed to have in a very long time.  

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6 Comments

  1. This is another great example of your openness and willingness to share your journey, the ups and downs and the aha moments.

    It is terrific to see that by labelling your emotions, that you have found your present moment and your place of strength.
    You are an amazingly strong women and your extension to fellow instructors across Australia to have a safe place to share our journeys through Covid has been a attributed to your professionalism and we all thank you.
    Thanks for sharing your journey and congratulations on what you have done for so many people to help them get through the Covic isolation.
    You MM are a legend and a wonderful, generous and terrific person. one of the best instructors in Australia and I’m sure parts of the world.
    Thanks.

    Reply
  2. Great read! Loved it….

    Reply
  3. Great that you have clarity on what you enjoy doing and focussing on that. Awesome to have learned more tech skills too. All to our benefit! Thank you.

    Reply
  4. Donna, Lee and Gemma, thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to read my blog 🙂

    Reply
  5. Good blog!

    Reply
  6. great blog, insightful and real. Thanks for sharing !

    Reply

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